The Fight
by kdzl
Summary: A shocking revelation for one member of the team allows each member to fully experience life to the fullest.
1. Chapter 1

**_AN/So, I've been working on this story for ages and finally decided to post it. Sorry for all of those following my current stories, but I'm just a little stuck on those. I promise, though, that they will all come to a nice resolution. This diverges after Demonology, and just as a head's up, I've never had cancer so my information may not be perfect, but I do my best to check facts. Let me know what you think! _**

**_As ever, I don't own Criminal Minds._**

* * *

"_We fight, get beat, rise, and fight again." _

_-Nathanael Greene_

* * *

"Jennifer Jareau?" The nurse called out from behind the door at the radiology department of the hospital.

"Alright." JJ huffed, trying to breath calmly to keep her under control. It all started two weeks ago, when she, remembering an urging from her mother to take care of her health, examined herself in the shower. Initially, she hadn't planned on finding anything. But she had. At first, she was sure that it couldn't be what she thought it was. She thought it might have been a lump from breast feeding, or that there had to be another possible explanation.

An entire week passed while she mulled over the possibilities. _I don't have time for it to be a lump, _was the common conclusion in her mind. Eventually, she had to face the cold, hard, painful truth. It wasn't a lump from breast feeding; she hadn't been doing that for a while. So picking herself up from the bootstraps, she did the sensible thing and called a doctor.

Amid assurances that it could be benign, that the lump could just be completely harmless, JJ took hope. The doctor's seemed very positive. But sitting in the waiting room caused her nerves to grow exponentially. Maybe she should have called her friend, maybe she should have even told her own family, but there wasn't time for that now. All there was time for now was fear and trepidation as she quickly changed into the hospital gown.

_I really don't have time for this._

_

* * *

_

"_Will, get in here." JJ called worriedly as she stood naked in her shower. "Now please."_

"_What is it, Sweetheart?" He asked as he strode in, appraising her unclothed body. It had been a while since she allowed him this close to her. Ever since Henry was born, they had been drifting apart._

"_I need you to feel something." She insisted, grabbing his hand and placing it underneath her left breast, watching as his eyes grew frightened. "You feel that too, don't you?"_

_Will nodded gravely, his mind unable to comprehend the possibilities that suddenly landed upon his shoulders. "JJ"_

"_You feel it too." She stated again, her eyes swelling with fear._

"_We should call someone." Will said slowly. "We should call your mom, she's a nurse, she'll—"_

"_I can't tell them." JJ whispered firmly. "Not until I know for sure."_

"_JJ, we need to call—" He begged, but she cut him off with a single glance._

"_I'll take care of this." She promised, giving him a weak—and fake—smile. "Just let me. Okay?"_

"_We can do this together baby." Will pleaded. "I can be there for this—"_

"_It's not anything Will, it's just from breastfeeding." She insisted, unable to follow his thought pattern. "It's really nothing."_

"_JJ." He pressed, but she looked at him knowingly._

"_It will really be fine, it's all going to be fine." And as she said this aloud, she knew that she was the one who needed convincing._

_

* * *

_

Time seemed to stop entirely. Sitting in the examination room in a gown that covered far too little was just too bitter to even bother with any semblance of hope.

She tried to reassure herself that it really could have been nothing, but the moment the doctor opened the examination room door, she knew that this was it. While she wasn't a profiler, she knew enough to know that the 'sympathetic look' wasn't a good sign.

"Ms. Jareau." He said slowly, gathering his words carefully.

"Please, if its bad, just tell me." She pressed, not needing any more pity than he already seemed to be giving her. "Just rip of the Band-Aid."

"When we did the clinical examination, it seemed that it was unlikely that it would be malignant." He began delicately.

"But—" JJ encouraged him on, wanting this to be over as soon as possible.

"During the FNAC, we drew bloody liquid from the tumor in question, and after lab tests and in conjunction with your mammogram, we—" He rubbed his hands over his moustache worriedly, unsure of how to proceed. "We can conclude for certain that you—"

"I have cancer, don't I?" JJ finished, not allowing him to prolong this any longer.

"We'd like to refer you to an oncologist as soon as possible, I would suggest Dr. Merriam. I've worked with her before, and she's one of the best in the area. If you'd like, we can have a nurse help you set up an appointment." He said kindly, the pity in his eyes almost unbearable for the blonde sitting on the exam table.

"Sure." JJ nodded, barely hearing him. _This can't be happening. It just can't. _She thought, desperately hoping that this was a horrible dream.

It wasn't.

* * *

_"__Each player must accept the cards life deals him or her: but once they are in hand, he or she alone must decide how to play the cards in order to win the game.__"_

_-Voltaire_


	2. Chapter 2

_"Like a boxer in a title fight, you have to walk in that ring alone."_

_-Billy Joel_

* * *

"Will, we need to talk." JJ started as she stepped in the door. Her appointment with the Oncologist had gone well, but ever since her diagnosis, she knew what she had to do. A pit began forming in her stomach, knowing that this was not going to be pleasant.

"Jayje!" Will said excitedly as he saw her in the entry way. "How did it go?"

JJ fought to maintain control, this is what had to be done. Will wanted to be a part of every aspect of her recovery, but she just didn't have it in her to let it continue. "It was fine, but we need to talk."

"Sure." Will said, guiding JJ and himself over to the couch. Ever since she showed him the lump he had treated her like she was made of porcelain.

"Will, I—" She stopped, unsure of exactly how to say what she needed.

"JJ, it's okay. Really, you're going to be fine." Will assured her, misunderstanding what the conversation topic was about.

Sighing, JJ realized that she just needed to do it. "Will, I can't do this."

"JJ, everything is going to work out." Will continued to comfort her, making her clarification only that much harder.

"Will," She shook her head, firm that this decision needed to be final, "we need to break up."

Floored, Will simply stared at the blonde sitting across from him. "What?"

"Look, we haven't been _really_ together for a long time. I just can't worry about whether you're happy or not. I don't have the energy to fight this, to take care of everything I need to, and to worry about _us. _And—" She stopped, her voice hitching in her throat at the thought of the most important reason to end the relationship with Will.

"And what?" Will asked, still confused.

"And this is serious. I've had an aunt and a sister die of breast cancer." JJ said, trying in vain to control herself.

"I know." Will said sadly.

"I need this to be over so that you can move on. So that you can be happy." JJ tried to find the words to explain how much she needed to do this. She felt her eyes beginning to tear at the frightening thoughts that had been dancing across her mind since the sickening discovery.

"But, I want to be there for you, JJ we can beat this, we can—"

"No, don't you see? This is what I'm talking about. There hasn't been a _we_ for a long time. But if I don't make it through this" Holding up a hand to cut off his interjection, she continued "And if I—if I don't make it—I need you to have moved on so that Henry can have a dad who is happy and –" Her breath hitched again, and there was nothing she could do to stop the tears from rolling down her cheeks, "And he needs a mom. Find him someone who can be his mom if I—if I don't—if—"

Will's own composure had long since past, and tears were currently coursing down the Southern man's face. "JJ, you know I can be there for you."

"I know." JJ said, smiling softly—the smile coming out more like a grimace, "But I need you to do this. I need to be able to focus on this." She said firmly.

"And after? After you've beaten this?" He asked. Truthfully, he had known for a while that he and JJ were over. They still got along, but there was no passion between them. The connection they had was far gone, and for a long time, it had become obvious that they were only in this for the sake of their son. Now JJ had something else to worry about, but he wasn't willing to leave her in her moment of need unless that's what she really wanted. He had been raised to be a gentleman, and if JJ wanted him to wait for her, that's what he would do.

"I hope that you're already married to some brilliant woman." JJ said. "Henry needs a mom, and if—if I can't be there—then—"

"So you're pushing me away?" He asked skeptically.

"It's the only way I know how to face this. Alone." She informed sincerely. "It's the only way that I can think of to find some peace."

"JJ, this is just the fear talking." He insisted obstinately.

"Will." She said seriously. "Tell me this, if I didn't have cancer and I was breaking up with you, would you put up this fight?"

"JJ—"

"That's what I thought." She whispered. "I don't want you staying because I'm sick. You deserve to be happy, and I don't want you to be trapped because you feel responsible. You deserve better than that."

"Jayje—" Will said pleadingly.

"If this has done anything, it's opened my eyes. I can't spend my last months miserable." JJ confessed. "And I don't want you to be either."

"You'll make it through this." Will insisted, but JJ cut him off with a single look.

"I might." She shrugged. "And I also might not, either way, my choice is the same."

"Don't you dare say that!" Will hissed. "Don't say that you are going to die, you are not going to die."

"But I might, and I'd rather not spend my time left lying to myself." JJ retorted. "Not about the cancer, and not about us."

"JJ." He said one final time, knowing he was fighting a losing battle.

"You have work." JJ informed. "Go do your job, I promise by the time you come back, I'll be out of here."

"But what about Henry?" Will hoped that maybe JJ would reconsider for the sake of their son. "He deserves to have parents who love each other!"

"Yes, he does deserve that." JJ agreed. "Which is exactly why we can't be together anymore."

"But—"

"I love our son, and I thought for a moment that it might be better for him to get used to life without me, just to be ready, in case—But I couldn't do it. I'm too selfish. I need to face this alone, but I'll still be involved in Henry's life."

"JJ—"

"Will, if I don't do this now, I never will, and my life is too short now to be spent wishing I had done things differently." JJ admitted. "I don't want to die with any regrets."

"Just how bad is it?" Will whispered.

"Bad enough. They won't know for sure until after ther surgery, but--It's pretty bad." JJ said, her own voice barely a whisper. She might not want to lie to herself, but that didn't mean that she was ready to be entirely honest with herself either.

Coming to his own conclusion, Will sighed. "Fine. But I'm leaving. You're staying here. Henry can stay with you and the second he gets to be too much to handle, I'll take him. No questions asked. But then, once you're ready, he comes back to you. A little boy needs his mama."

JJ nodded, overcome with gratitude for the man sitting across from her. She might not love him as a soul mate, but she would be forever grateful for him making this easier. For him just letting her do this her way.

Alone.

* * *

"Hey Garcia, I need you to—" JJ said, stepping into her friend's dark office, but all her utterances were cut off by the blaring stare from Garcia's bloodshot eyes.

"You better finish that statement with 'hit me with a pan over the head' if you even think about talking about work." Garcia said seriously. "Sorry Buttercup, but I'm your best friend, I deserve more than that. So you tell me now why you had an appointment with an Oncologist or so help me I am telling the entire team."

"How did you know about that? Are you stalking me again?" JJ teased lightly, hoping to raise the mood from its current moroseness.

The only response to her question was an angry glare that nearly paralyzed the blonde liaison.

"Penelope." She said sentimentally, giving her friend a sad smile. "I don't know if telling you is such a good idea."

"Well guess what? I wasn't sure showing you those videos after Reid was abducted was a good idea, but I did anyway! I did! Because I'm your friend. So to hell with what's a good idea--tell me." Garcia insisted, fighting the tears that were swelling in her eyes.

JJ bit her lip uncertainly for a moment, before pulling a rolling chair next to the very distraught tech analyst and sat down carefully. "What do you want to know?"

"Everything." Garcia stated firmly. "Every last detail that you would find insignificant but is enough to drive me over the edge. Everything."

JJ sat silently for a long moment. "Have I ever told you about my sister Claire?"

"What in the world does that have to do with this?" Garcia asked disgustedly, thinking that JJ was actually trying to change the subject on her, and she was not about to let that happen.

"It has everything to do with this." JJ informed softly, trying to fight her own feelings of somberness. "Claire was only three years older than I am now when she died four years ago."

"JJ, I'm sorry but—"

"She died of breast cancer." JJ spat the last two words out, not caring for the taste they left in her mouth. "As did my Aunt and Will's mom. And who knows, maybe I will too?"

"What?" Garcia breathed. "What are you saying?"

"I'm dying." JJ said bluntly, watching as the words knocked the wind out of her best friend and trying to ignore the burning of her own eyes. "I'm dying just like they did."

"Jayje." Garcia panted, the tears now flowing more freely than ever before.

"I found out two days ago that I have breast cancer and it's much further along than anyone could have anticipated." She kept the words coming at a rapid pace, not letting any one of them stick on her tongue for too long. "I'm scheduled for surgery next week, and after that I'm probably starting Chemo based on the lab results. I broke up with Will. And now you're pretty much up to speed."

"You broke up with Will?" Garcia shrieked, still gasping for air through her tears. "Why would you do that?"

"Because it seemed like a good time." JJ confessed, not missing the daggers thrown at her by Garcia's puffy eyes.

"A good time? You have cancer! How in the hell is that a good time to break up with him?"

"It was a good excuse." JJ admitted. She didn't miss the gears that turned in Garcia's mind as she tried to process all of this information.

"So—you wanted this?" Garcia asked one more time, just to be sure.

"Yes, I wanted this. But I don't want everyone to know. I need to do this myself." JJ pleaded.

"Well if you think that _I'm_ abandoning you just because you ask, think again Missy." Garcia said firmly, not leaving room for debate.

"Please don't tell everyone else." JJ begged, not sure whether she should feel grateful or slightly annoyed at Garcia's loyalty. Choosing the former, she sincerely hoped that Garcia would adhere to her wishes.

"Sugar beat, I know they'll all want to be there to help. Why can't we just—"

"Penelope, please. I'll be on medical leave soon enough, but I don't want them to treat me like I'm some fragile invalid that needs to be protected. That's only going to put all of them in danger."

"Peaches, I love you." Garcia huffed. "But sometimes you're a moron."

JJ smirked at the statement. "That's what my mother always said."

Garcia smirked. "At least someone in your family is right." She said, eyeing her friend with worry. Nothing that JJ could say could downplay the seriousness of this prognosis. But Penelope Garcia was certain of one thing. JJ may have to fight, but she wasn't going to have to do it alone.

Not for one second.

* * *

JJ walked resignedly to Hotch's office. Sighing deeply, she entered. "Hotch, can I talk to you?" She asked, not wanting to tell him everything that was happening, but knowing that she at least had to get the time off.

"Sure JJ, what can I do for you?"

"I'm having a medical procedure done next week, I'm going to have to take a few days off." She said, cringing at how formal it sounded. Hotch had always been a person she had been able to confide in. She had never particularly understood why others had insisted that Aaron Hotchner didn't have a heart. He was probably the person that she felt the easiest divulging information to.

"Of course. Is it serious?" He asked, concerned.

"It's not like I'm dying." She scoffed, adding silently in her mind _"yet"._

"Okay, but be sure to take as much time as you need." Hotch assured, returning to his paperwork.

"Thanks." She said, feeling only slightly guilty as she closed the door behind her.

* * *

"So, JJ, you going on vacation?" Morgan asked as JJ entered the bullpen. "I heard you are taking some time off next week." Raising his eyebrows suggestively, he added, "You and Will decided that Henry needs a little sister?"

"No." JJ blushed, totally unsure of how to respond. Desperately hoping to keep her impending condition a secret, she chose to remain silent.

"Oh, so you're going to take a family vacation?" Reid asked excitedly. He had never had many vacations in his own childhood, and was thrilled that Henry could have everything he didn't have growing up.

"No," JJ cringed, admitting "Will and I aren't---"

"Aren't leaving the house for a couple of days?" Emily teased.

"No. Will and I broke up and I'm having surgery." JJ said bluntly. The stunned look from her coworkers was priceless, but JJ was too busy trying to come up with a way not to have to inform them of her current medical problem. She loved her colleagues like family, but she hadn't even explained everything to her own mom. She just needed to get through this.

"Oh." Emily said awkwardly. "Are you going to be okay?"

"Yeah, I'll be fine. I'm just having surgery on Friday, so I'm taking the next week off to recover." JJ said, grabbing a bunch of files to escape to her office as quickly as possible. She wasn't sure that she could have handled that situation any worse than she had.

"So, what's happening?" Morgan pried. "Getting a tattoo removed? Or--"

"She could be having female surgery." Reid interrupted in a hushed whisper, only a little too loudly.

JJ blushed, but found it far more easy to confirm than the truth. "It's not a big deal." She said evasively.

"You'd let us know if it was something serious, right?" Morgan asked with concern.

"Of course." JJ lied. They all had enough to worry about without her adding everything. She had never been one that could freely share what was going on in her life.

After all, there was nothing that they could do about it anyway.

* * *

"Hey mama," Morgan said, his voice full of charm as he walked into Garcia's Technological Lair.

"Hey Sugar." Garcia said disinterestedly as she quickly closed multiple windows before he could get a good look at what she was searching for. "What can I do for you?" She asked quickly.

He quirked his eyebrow in concern. "Baby Girl, what's up?"

"What do you mean?" She asked quickly, her eyes darting around looking for a plausible excuse. She wasn't about to betray JJ after only three days of keeping her secret.

"I mean with JJ. And you. Something's going on." Morgan deduced.

"She's having surgery, I'm just worried about her." Garcia admitted.

"So, what's wrong?" He pried gently, knowing that his Baby Girl would never let him down in his quest for information.

"Nothing's going on Derek," A voice said firmly from behind. Both he and Garcia whipped around to find JJ standing in her doorway. "So leave it alone."

"Come on JJ, I just--"

"No. Mind your own business." JJ insisted, shooting Garcia a warning glance.

"Derek. It's not big deal." Garcia lied, feeling horrible but willing to allow JJ this one moment of peace. "Just drop it."

"Jayje--" He started, only to be cut off by her cold glare.

"You have a case." She said her voice devoid of any semblence of forgiveness.

Feeling like a complete jerk, Morgan relented--they had a job to do.

* * *

_"__We need others. We need others to love and we need to be loved by them. There is no doubt that without it, we too, like the infant left alone, would cease to grow, cease to develop, choose madness and even death.__"_

_-Leo F Buscaqlia_


	3. Chapter 3

**AN/Sorry for the delay, and thanks to all of the readers. I hope this lives up to your expectations. **

* * *

_"We need the friendship of a man in great trials; of a woman in the affairs of everyday life."_

_-Anon_

* * *

Morgan sighed as he drove home from the airstrip nearly a week later. The entire interaction with JJ before she took a week off left him feeling off, but he wasn't sure why. Having grown up in a home with two sisters, he was overly aware of how often he unintentionally made unforgivable mistakes. Pulling over at a small grocery store, he quickly purchased some Jello and the latest issue of People Magazine, knowing how much JJ loved to be kept up to date on her celebrity gossip.

It wasn't long before Morgan found himself on JJ's doorstep, knocking softly as to not awaken Henry. He knew JJ was home, her Explorer was in the drive way. He almost felt guilty for intruding, almost. But it was almost one thirty in the afternoon, so it wasn't as though he was disturbing anything.

"Morgan?" JJ asked in surprise as she opened the door. "What are you doing here?"

"You said you had surgery, and we just got back-I thought I could offer you a consolation prize." He smiled charmingly as he held up the jello and magazine.

"Thanks." She chuckled, allowing him in.

Derek Morgan could count on one hand the number of times he had visited JJ's home. Each time, her disastrous organizational scheme seemed to be teetering on the edge of oblivion. JJ was just an insanely busy person, and it reflected in her home. Entering her home this time, however, surprised Derek more than he thought it would. It seemed in pristine order, almost as though it could pose as a picture from 'Better Homes and Gardens.'

"Wow! This place looks amazing." He said with awe.

"Yeah, I kind of went on a cleaning spree." She confessed, "I-" Her explanation was cut off by the phone. Morgan was surprised at the worry he saw in her eyes that she quickly masked behind a veil of control. "Erm, just a second."

He stood awkwardly in the living room, deciding to plop down on the couch as he waited for her return. He didn't mean to listen in on her conversation, but he couldn't help eavesdropping while she stood in the next room and answered the phone.

"It is?" She said into the phone, the devestation in her voice unmistakable.

"So, what is the next step?" This time, the devestation seemed to take a back seat to worry and fear.

He thought back through his relationship with JJ as he tried to count how many times he had heard her worried or fearful. _One: Reid being taken hostage by Dowd. Two: Reid's ordeal with Georgia. Three: Garcia getting shot.._ Suddenly the short list ended as he realized that there _were_ no other times he had heard her sound so terrified.

"Alright, so I should come in on Monday? Can come in early? I have to get into work." She said, resignedly. If he didn't know her so well, he would have thought it was just another phone call. Whatever this was, it was serious.

She walked back into the room, and if he hadn't heard for himself that something was _definitely_ going on, he would have thought nothing of it.

"Everything okay?" He asked, initiating the conversation that she dredded.

"Yeah. It was my doctor. I just-" Her voice trailed off. Unable to make another excuse, she settled for failing to describe exactly what was happening.

"Something you'd like to talk about?" He encouraged.

"No." She smiled, almost jokingly. To any lesser profiler, he would have been easily distracted by her playful stance-interpreting it as carefree-and would have dropped the subject immediately.

But there was a reason Derek Morgan was in the BAU, among the best profilers in the world. "Jayje, it really does help to talk about it."

"It's a secret." She settled for, lamely.

"I had a secret for almost 23 years. It does help to talk about it. I would know." He said, alluding to the horrors of Carl Buford and his childhood. He saw immediately that she made the connection, but she quickly attempted to push his concerns aside.

"Can I get you something to drink?" She deflected, hoping to divert his attention.

"No. JJ, what's going on?"

JJ sighed as she collapsed on the couch next to him. "You're really not going to let this go, are you?"

"Not until you tell me what's going on." Morgan agreed.

"A couple of weeks ago, I was in the shower." She reluctantly started her devastating tale.

"Naked?" Morgan asked suggestively, lightening the mood.

JJ chuckled, but pressed onward. "Yes. Naked." She rolled her eyes and continued her story. "I found…I found a lump."

They sat in silence, the weight of her revelation hanging in midair. Derek sat still, unsure of how to encourage her to continue her story. "Lumps don't have to be-"

"They thought it was cancerous." She cut him off, after speaking with the doctor she was in no mood for comforting platitudes.

"So, the surgery?" He asked, a sickening feeling growing in his stomach.

"Was to remove the lump and determine how far the cancer has spread." She smiled grimly.

"And?" He asked, though he was certain he really didn't want to know.

JJ fought down her emotions, but all she could do in response was to nod. The cancer had spread. The call from the doctor delivered the worst possible news.

"Jayje, I don't even know what to say." He said after a moment of silence.

"You don't have to say anything." She said, momentarily regaining her composure. "It's enough that you're here."

"JJ, we're going to beat this. We will. It will just take time, but we'll-"

"_We_?" She teased slightly, trying in vain to lighten the mood.

"You really think I'd let you go through this all alone?" He asked, one eyebrow raised inquiringly.

"No." She smiled, touched that he would support her through the ordeal.

"Who else knows about it?" He asked, interrupting the silence once more.

"You. Garcia. Me. That's it." She admitted.

"You should probably tell-"

"I just don't want them to know yet." She reluctantly admitted.

"Okay." He agreed, deciding that he would allow her some semblance of a secret. "Do you want me to-" He indicated to the door, wondering if this was one of those times where JJ just needed to be alone.

She shook her head negatively, the last thing she wanted was to be alone right now, and added, "Garcia is just about to come over to help me clean this place up, we could use you for the heavy lifting. But if you have somewhere you need to be-" She allowed it to trail off, in typical JJ fashion, giving him some avenue of escape in case he really didn't want to help.

"My muscles are at your command." He chuckled, watching as JJ's mouth spread into a wide smile, grateful for the momentary release from her problems. It pained him to see her in so much inner turmoil and vowed that he would do his best to protect her from the terrifying disease.

"Don't let Garcia hear that, you have no idea what she would make me have you do." She teased, grateful for not the first time that she could claim that she had a friend like Derek Morgan.

* * *

"Do we want to keep this file dated in '05?" Garcia asked as they sorted through JJ's mess of a closet nearly an hour later.

"What's it for?" JJ asked negligently, throwing some gently used shoes in the giant box going to Goodwill.

"Your car payments." She answered, spraying some Lysol as she examined JJ's disaster. "Back when you had your Focus. Seriously, when was the last time you cleaned this out?"

"Honestly?" JJ chuckled guiltily. "I don't think I ever have."

"JJ." Morgan groaned teasingly. "You're a disaster, you know that, right?"

"I've been told a time or two." She smiled innocently, causing Garcia to swat her lightly. "That box goes to the dumpster." She said pointing to a mass pile of junk and old papers, some of which dating back to high school.

"Alright." Morgan said, bending easily and picking up the discarded items. He lifted it effortlessly, maneuvering his way around the piles of chaos. As he easily stepped out of the room.

"Watch out for the-" Garcia called only a moment too late before hearing a loud crash followed by a shouted string of curse words. "Shoes." She finished quietly, fighting a gloating chortle.

"Niether one of you two could bother to tell me you stacked the damn shoes by the door?" He called, standing on his feet and gingerly rubbing his back. "You so owe me for this JJ." He muttered as he reappeared through her bedroom door, his side aching slightly.

"Are you okay?" JJ asked, stifling a laugh.

"My pride's hurt worse than anything else." He admitted, glad to see a humorous glint in JJ's eyes.

"I tried to warn you my Main Dish Delish but you were just to gung ho to listen to good old Garcie." Penelope cackled.

"Well Baby Girl, you'll just have to make it up to me." Morgan informed suggestively.

"Whatever do you have in mind? Because if its rated NC-17; I am so there." She smiled, winking hotly at the man who continued to fill the room with bellowing laughter.

"Well, I was actually thinking you could pick all the stuff up, but after that, I'm game." He taunted back.

"Ewww." JJ moaned, fighting a giggle. "You two are worse than Hotch and Hailey used to be."

"What can we say?" Garcia retorted with a purr. "We know how to keep the passion alive."

"No divorce for us." Morgan agreed huskily, not missing JJ's disgusted look.

"Just keep the passion off my bed please." JJ said, getting up to the scene of the crime. She grabbed the tattered papers and stuffed them back in the box, within moments her partner in crime was by her side, sifting through the discarded papers.

"You had terrible handwriting years ago." Garcia mused. "Hell, I think Reid's is even better."

JJ shot her a mutinous glare before snatching the papers from her hand and shoving them into the trash. She didn't notice what caught Garcia's eye, but she continued to throw the neglected items away.

"What's this?" Garcia asked softly, showing off one particularly old paper to JJ.

"What Baby Girl?" Morgan asked, suddenly joining them. "What is that?"

"Let me see." JJ growled, taking the paper into her own hands and reading the top which was neatly labeled, _Things I am going to do before I'm Forty. _"Little did I know then that I probably wouldn't make it to that old." She muttered under her breath, a firm pang ringing at her heart.

"You're still alive now." Garcia countered, more to herself than JJ. "With a change of the title, and rewriting it because I can barely decipher it, it could do a whole lot more-"

"Huh?" JJ pressed as Morgan gave the normally loud woman a confused look. "Just throw it away, I made it when I was like, 15; its not like it matters now."

"Yes it does." Garcia smiled, snatching the paper back into her own clutches. "It does matter now. It matters now more than ever."

"Yeah, Jayje. It's a list of things you can do once you get better." Morgan pointed out, being the first to bring up the elephant in the room since they had started their cleaning frenzy.

"Why wait? We could add to the list, do everything now. Why not? What else do you have to do?" Garcia countered scanning the list. "Get a tattoo, Dive into a pool of Jello...Seriously? Jayje, this list needs some serious updating."

"Oh, it's stupid." JJ dismissed easily, discarding another stack of papers into the trash. "I mean, I was 15!"

"Like that matters." Garcia countered. "See, 'Number 21: Get something pierced other than my ears', we could do that one right now."

"We most certainly can _not._" Morgan looked at his friend in horror. "Maybe in a year or two, but now? No way."

"Why not?" Garcia defended. "Life is to be lived to the fullest, why should she have to wait?"

"Because she has _cancer._" Morgan said, looking at Garcia as if she had grown horns. "She needs to rest, and recuperate, and-"

"Excuse me." JJ interjected, "_She_ is sitting right here, and doesn't appreciate being talked about in the third person."

"Sorry." Morgan and Garcia said in unison.

"Grab your purse, we have some serious living to do." Garcia informed happily, leaving no room for any argument.

"Garcia, she's sick-" Morgan tried to reason.

"She? You're doing it again." JJ interrupted, shooting him a sarcastic glare. "And seriously, a piercing? I'm _thirty_, I'm a mom, why would I want to get anything pierced." She said it skeptically, though a small part of her longed to agree with her blonde friend.

"Because this very well could be your last chance." Garcia countered. "Why wouldn't we do it?"

"Garcia-" JJ said softly.

"What's the point in living if you've never lived." Garcia whispered. "Come on, give me something to say in your eulogy."

"Fine." JJ smiled reluctantly, the resolve growing within her. If she was going to go out, she might as well go out in style...Maybe. "Lets do it."

"Oh man." Morgan muttered, following the two women out the front door.

"You're coming?" Garcia laughed.

"Someone has to make sure that JJ's being taken care of." He murmured obstinately. "I call shot gun."

* * *

"This place doesn't look very sanitary." JJ mused disgustedly, wrinkling her nose slightly.

"It'll be fine." Garcia waved off easily, ignoring her friend's plight. "A few germs never hurt anyone."

"Are you sure you want to do this JJ?" Morgan asked skeptically. "Because if you do, I won't stop you but-"

"I'm sure." JJ assured decisively. "Go big or go home, right?"

"Right my pumpkin pants." Garcia cheered exuberantly, grabbing her friend's hand in hers. "Lets do this."

As they walked through the door of the Piercing and Tattoo parlor, a big, burly man came to greet them. "What can I do for all of you today?"

"Getting a tat was on the list, should we do it now too?" Garcia whispered urgently.

"Well-" JJ began fairly, contemplating the options.

"Hell no." Morgan commanded threateningly. "I agreed to help her get pierced, I won't let JJ turn into a human pin cushion."

"Says the man that is all sorts of branded." Garcia retorted while rolling her eyes.

"She could get hepatitis!" Morgan insisted in horror.

"Morgan. Remember the whole "she" conversation we had." JJ reminded him. "You're doing it again."

"Sorry." He smirked, aware that his protective tendencies were likely going to drive JJ insane. But that didn't matter if he could keep her from doing something dangerous before she even had the chance to start getting better.

"I'm getting a tattoo and a piercing." JJ informed the burly man.

"The hell you are-" Morgan started, silenced by JJ holding up her hand.

"I want one too!" Garcia chirped happily.

"Absolutely not!" Morgan bellowed in agitation. "One thing at a time, its not like JJ can't do some of this when she's better. She has loads of time to do all of this, lets just take it one step at a time."

"Morgan-" JJ moaned, but to her dismay, Garcia did not join her.

"He's right." Garcia nodded. "You, my blonde Amazon, have plenty left to live for. Why conquer it all now?"

JJ sighed, almost telling Garcia that time for her might be hard to come by, but the hope in her best friend's eyes was too much to squelch. She wouldn't rob Garcia of this, she wouldn't spend her time left taking more hope she gave. "Fine."

"I'll go first." Morgan groaned. If anything, he could always make sure that the needles were cleaned and that everything was sterilized for JJ and Garcia's tattoos. If JJ got an infection, he was seriously going to have to put his foot down about this whole list fiasco. But if anything, he was glad that they could give her a momentary reprieve from worrying about her current state. There wasn't much she could do now, and if it got her mind off worrying, then maybe it was a good thing.

"What am I doing for you?" The burly man asked shortly, his face falling a little at piercing Morgan before he got to the lovely ladies.

"I want to pierce my navel." Morgan informed, causing Garcia to cackle madly.

"You're kidding me?" She uttered through fits of giggles. "You honestly have to be kidding me!" She began panting, hoping that she didn't pass out do to lack of air.

"Are you sure?" The man questioned skeptically, quirking his eyebrow at Morgan who nodded affirmatively.

"Oh dear heavens!" Garcia gasped, finally gaining control over her laughter. "Where the hell is my camera? Reid needs to see this one...and Rossi." She added, resuming her gut wrenching chortles.

"I am going to take it out right after." Morgan announced for the benefit of all those present. "I just need to make sure its safe for JJ." He informed softly, causing JJ to give him a grateful smile. "And if anyone finds out about this, I will maim you all." He said threateningly.

"Fine Man, mum's the word." The tattoo artist shrugged nervously, causing JJ to give him a scoffing smirk.

"Alright, then lets do this." Morgan said, sitting down in the chair. He had no idea what he was getting himself into.

* * *

_"Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today."_

_-James Dean_

_

* * *

_

**AN2/ Okay, so now I am in desperate need for ideas from my readers. What should be on JJ's list? PM me or review with ideas. Thanks!**


	4. Chapter 4

_"It's not the size of the dog in the fight, It's the size of the fight in the dog."_

_-Mark Twain_

* * *

"Its not my fault you got an infection." Garcia laughed hysterically as Morgan lifted his shirt and poked at the large infected blob. "You're the one who wanted a brand new belly button ring."

"Just to test out its safety." Morgan hissed, shooting his friend a glare as he placed his shirt back into position. "I was trying to do the noble thing."

"Nobel Shmobel." Garcia cackled with laughter as she jabbed at his stomach, "You got a girl piercing and its infected!"

"What's infected?" Emily asked, walking into the Tech's office after overhearing Garcia who was nearly doubled over with laughter.

"My hunk of burning love's naval has unfortunately developed an infection." Garcia managed to spit out through her giggles.

"Gross." Emily scoffed, raising her eyebrow questioningly. "How did that happen?" She asked quizzically, a small smirk playing on her lips.

"I got a piercing." Morgan mumbled. Garcia immediately sobered as she considered the threat to her best friend's situation. No matter how close she was with Emily, she wasn't about to let JJ's secret become exposed. She owed her blonde friend more than that.

"What was that?" Emily asked Morgan incredulously, evidently missing the awkward silence that had permeated the room.

"I got a piercing, okay?" He retorted defensively, missing Garcia's warning look.

"You? Pierced your naval? Why?" Emily chortled.

"I was trying to make sure it was safe for JJ." He admitted quickly, immediately wincing as he realized that he could very well have just exposed JJ's secret.

"Why would you need to make sure it was safe for JJ?" Emily pried. Her interest was astronomically piqued when both Garcia and Morgan suddenly fell silent.

"Ummm..." Garcia looked at Morgan frantically, "Yeah, Sugar, why would you need to make sure it was safe for JJ?"

"Make sure what was safe for me?" JJ asked. Overhearing her own name, she had a sickening feeling that this wasn't going to be good.

Two sets of eyes looked at her guiltily while Emily simply looked at her in confusion. "Morgan's piercing is infected." She revealed, hoping to uncover more of what was going on.

"Really?" JJ laughed conspiratorially. "After the fuss you made about me getting one, then _yours_ got infected?" She scoffed.

"Wait, you got something _pierced_?" Emily asked JJ in surprise, her mouth dropping open slightly in surprise. "Why?"

"Why not?" JJ shrugged.

"I can think of a million reasons, the first being that you're not fourteen anymore." Emily observed. She had never met anyone in her life that was more afraid of needles than Jennifer Jareau. The idea that she would get a piercing for the fun of it was preposterous.

"So?" Morgan queried Emily angrily, earning shocked looks from the three women in Garcia's office.

Emily suddenly feeling as though the other three were turning on her, immediately attempted to retreat from whatever percieved wrong she had committed. "Woah, no big deal. Sorry, I was just curious."

JJ immediately felt sympathy for the friend who had been so supportive during her pregnancy with Henry. She knew that Emily often felt like an outsider, and no matter how dismal the situation, she didn't want to be the cause of that insecurity rearing its ugly head.

"Em, I need to tell you something."

"What?" Emily asked cautiously, unnerved by the serious tone the conversation had taken.

"I-" JJ struggled for the right words. Emily and she had grown very close throughout the past three years of working together. She wasn't sure how to break the news delicately. "I-"

Emily was obviously floored by JJ's sudden lack of articulate ability. "Jayje, whatever it is, you can tell me." She said, her voice full of compassion as she shot Garcia and Morgan a questioning glance.

"I know. It's just hard. I-" JJ stumbled over her own words and looked to Garcia for assistance.

Garcia, ever ready, was prepared for just a time as this. "JJ has cancer. And now we're compiling her list of things she's got to do." She smiled, as though the list and subsequent positive spin would overshadow the devastating news.

"Cancer?" Emily asked in shock, her eyes wide and uncomprehending.

JJ nodded simply, lifting down her shirt to show the small bulge on her chest where doctors had inserted the port that was delivering her chemo medication. "I started chemo last week."

"Last week?" Emily asked in horror. "And you're at work? Jayje, you should take care of yourself-"

"See, this is what I've been saying." Morgan said triumphantly, nodding along with Emily's words. "Can you believe it? They want to go bungee jumping next."

"You've got to be kidding me." Emily shook her head in immediate disagreement. "Jayje, you've got to protect yourself. I just think-"

"It's Breast Cancer Em." JJ smiled sadly, "I didn't lose my legs, nor did I break my back. Other than feeling like I've got a terrible case morning sickness, I'm fine."

"But it's _cancer_ JJ. I don't think you've thought this through all the way." Emily disagreed.

"Not thought it through?" JJ took a deep breath as she could quickly feel the anger arising. "I think I've thought this through plenty. I'm dy-" She caught herself as Garcia shot her a mutinous glare, and restarted, "I'm sick. And I don't want to fight for a life that I never got to live." She concluded, censoring the defeated thoughts that had become commonplace since the doctor's revelation.

"Living a life doesn't mean trying to throw it away at every chance." Morgan scoffed quickly. "Life is just as good when you spend it on the couch. Reading a nice, safe book. Or even watching TV."

"Oh, hush you." Garcia retorted, slightly angered that Emily had immediately sided with Morgan-_did she have no respect for the girl code?_-unwilling to listen to any more of their argument, she knew she had to act. If this is what was going to happen, she was going to need someone else on her side. "Tell you what, we need to ask someone else."

"No." JJ responded as Morgan and Emily seemed to tentatively consider the option. "I am not putting my life up as something to be voted on by my meddling friends."

"_Well meaning_ friends." Garcia corrected quickly. "Jayje, this is the only way to get them off your back." She added conspiratorially.

"No." JJ maintained her ground. No matter how good intentioned her friends were, she wasn't about to let them control her life.

"Jayje, if you don't then they win." Garcia countered in a hushed whisper.

"How?" JJ scoffed.

"Because they're block voters, I can tell." Garcia whispered conspiratorially.

"We're not _voting._" JJ responded incredulously.

"Think of it this way." Emily said reasonably, ignoring JJ's insistence, "You have to tell either Hotch or Rossi soon anyway. Neither of them can say anything because they're both our supervisors. So, no matter what, they are sworn to secrecy."

"And, they can help out with work versus treatments." Morgan agreed, knowing that Hotch and Rossi would both make sure that JJ was protected from Garcia's crazy plans.

JJ pondered that for a moment. She _did_ need to tell _someone_ that could help out with scheduling things around her treatments. But the last thing JJ wanted to become was the office gossip. This was far too important to her to allow herself to become the subject of conversation at the water cooler.

"Fine." JJ grumbled as her three colleagues smiled in triumph. "I'll tell Rossi."

* * *

"I think she should go bungee jumping." Rossi said to the group. JJ's revelation had saddened the season profiler, but after making sure that she was feeling alright and letting her know that he would do anything to help, Garcia had pounced on him with what was apparently now a group decision.

"WHAT?" Morgan nearly shouted while Emily's mouth dropped open in surprise.

"Life's too short." He explained, leaning back in the over sized chair in his office.

"Just the reason _not_ to do stupid things-it makes life _shorter." _Morgan retorted immediately, infuriated that Rossi had chosen to side with Garcia.

"So? Bungee jumping is totally safe." Rossi said in an attempt to placate Morgan and Emily's surprise.

"I told you so." Garcia said in triumph as JJ huffed loudly.

"If you are all done, I actually have _work_ to do." JJ rolled her eyes at her friends and left the room. It was sweet that they cared about her enough to want to protect her safety, but she was not a child. She had discussed the limitations she would have with her doctor. For right now, she wanted to get in everything that she could before she didn't have the energy to do anything. She had spent her whole life trying to play it safe, and karma had laughed in her face. Now it was time to get some revenge.

Once JJ had left the room, Emily turned on Dave quickly. "Oh really?" She snarled, "_Bungee jumping is totally safe." _She mimicked. "How would you know?"

"Because I've gone a couple of times." Rossi shrugged. "It's no big deal."

"No big deal?" Emily challenged.

"It's obviously safer than a _piercing. _Nobody's ever gotten an infection bungee jumping."

"The woman has cancer, and you say that jumping off a bridge is '_totally safe'_?" Morgan said incredulously.

"The woman-our friend-has cancer and wants to go bungee jumping." Rossi replied, not understanding why this was such a big deal to the two profilers. "Garcia, if we don't have a case Saturday, I'll take you two to one of my favorite spots."

"I always knew I could count on you and your Italian connections!" Garcia exclaimed delightedly as she too stood to leave. "Let me know if I need to bring anything."

"What would you need to bring?" Dave asked quizzically. "It's bungee jumping, not a pot-luck."

"Well, I'll probably still bring my famous barbecue chicken, but other than that, who knows what crazy things we kids can do." She smiled happily as she left his office, intent on researching everything she could about bungee jumping.

Seeing Morgan and Emily still glaring at him from their seats on the couch in his office, Dave couldn't help but smirk. "Are you two done? I have some work to do."

Grumbling, Morgan left the office with Emily at his heels. Morgan stomped back to his desk, plotting how he could create a case over the weekend to dissuade the others from putting their lives in peril. Emily stopped at the door to Dave's office and turned to look at him coldly.

"This isn't over Rossi. Mark my words, this is _not_ over."

* * *

_"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending."_

_-Maria Robinson_


	5. Chapter 5

_**AN: This chapter is dedicated to foxyfeline for giving me a kick in the rear to get this finished. It absolutely wouldn't have been finished without her ideas or continued interest. Sorry for the delay, I wanted to get all my facts straight, but I've never been bungee jumping, so I did the best I could. **_

**AND, if there are any suggestions for other items on (or the team's) 'Bucket Lists', let me know.**

* * *

_"Those who danced were thought to be quite insane by those who could not hear the music."_

_-Angela Monet_

_

* * *

_

"So JJ, did you do anything fun this weekend?" Hotch asked curiously as the entire team spent an uncharacteristic moment in the break room. Derek hadn't arrived yet, and the case briefing would start in less than twenty minutes, so the team took a rare moment to relax before the next disaster occurred.

"Oh, not really." JJ dismissed easily, sipping a cup of hot tea to try to calm her stomach. She wasn't sure when exactly she had switched from coffee, but the tea seemed to settle her stomach more than anything else.

Emily snorted in surprise. "Really Jayje? You didn't do anything wild and crazy?" She suggested knowingly.

"Nope." JJ retorted, fully remembering the escapade from only a few days ago. She smirked as she remembered Emily and Derek's disgust, and currently couldn't help but get lost in the memory--even if it only happened two days ago.

_"Are you insane?" Emily asked as Dave tightened the bindings around JJ's feet. "This is nuts!"_

_"Oh, Em. Calm down." Garcia rolled her eyes, armed with her digital camera and a picnic basket of goodies. "It's not like she's jumping off a bridge or anything."_

_"She is jumping off a bridge!" Morgan pointed out incredulously._

_"Seriously, why are you two even here?" Rossi laughed._

_"I didn't invite them." JJ smirked, taking a deep breath as Rossi finished securing her harness._

_"Don't look at me." Rossi held up his hands defensively as his long-time friend chuckled before beginning to explain the safety precautions to the blonde. Blake was a certified jumping instructor, both in skydiving and bungee jumping, and when he heard that JJ wanted to go on her first jump, he insisted on coming along._

_"I wouldn't have invited them if I knew that they'd be such sticks in the mud." Garcia huffed as she crossed her arms in front of her. She was beginning to get seriously annoyed with her former friends._

_"We could always make Derek go first--make sure it's safe." Dave smirked as he checked the harnessing one more time to ensure JJ's safety._

_"Hell no." Derek shuddered, never having overcome his childhood fear of heights._

_"Emily? You up for the next go?" Rossi offered._

_"Let's just make sure JJ gets out of this alive." Emily retorted smugly, biting her lip with concern._

_"Oh would you two get over yourselves." Garcia groaned. "It's perfectly safe, people do this all the time."_

_"Yeah." JJ piped up, pushing a stray strand of hair back behind her ear. "Everybody's doing it Em." She couldn't help the grin that exploded along her face._

_"Oh, because that's a good excuse." Derek huffed angrily._

_"Okay JJ, you're ready to go." Rossi's friend Blake assured her. "So, when you jump, I want you to answer this question."_

_"What?" JJ asked perplexed, sighing deeply as she looked over the edge._

_"Do you believe in God?" Blake whispered, his eyes twinkling as he placed a firm arm around JJ's back and helped push her over the edge._

_The others couldn't help but smirk as JJ's high pitched scream came back to them. Garcia, Rossi, and Emily rushed to the edge to watch while Morgan maintained a safe distance from the edge while still trying to see. They each couldn't help but chuckle silently as JJ's scream turned into an answer to a question they hadn't heard._

_"YES!!!!!"_

"Jayje?" Reid looked up at her in concern. "Is everything okay?"

"It's fine Spence." She smiled brightly, despite her nauseous stomach. She had been warned that the nausea would only worsen due to the chemo, but the alternative was unnacceptable.

"She was just thinking about my famous barbecue chicken sandwiches that we ate on Saturday." Garcia piped up, wanting to give JJ an out so Reid and Hotch wouldn't pry further. JJ was as attached to her privacy as Fort Knox, and when she was ready to tell the others, she would.

"Boy were those good Baby Girl. You're gonna have to give me the recipe." Morgan smirked as he entered the break room, headed straight for the coffee. "So what are we talking about?" He asked.

"JJ's _boring_ weekend." Emily informed him. Unfortunately Derek had just taken a sip of coffee and choked on the hot liquid.

"Boring, eh?" He asked skeptically.

JJ shrugged, fighting the wide grin that threatened to explode along her face. "Same old, same old."

Hotch couldn't shake the feeling that he was missing something important, but shrugged it away. If it was anything important, he reasoned, JJ would tell him when she was ready. He was sure of it. "Briefing in ten." He announced, looking to JJ who nodded in agreement. "I hope you all remember its almost time for yearly physicals. I need the results by the end of the month." Hotch was surprised as the entire room fell silent and the tension seemed to grow with each passing minute.

"But that's only three weeks from now." Rossi pointed out, his eyes wide with the realization that JJ's secret would soon be office information before she would be forced out of the bureau on medical leave.

"I know. That's why I gave you the heads up." Hotch nodded skeptically before walking out of the room. "Briefing in..." He checked his watch, "Eight."

Reid shrugged and turned back to the book he was reading at his regular (incredibly fast) pace. The others turned their eyes to the blonde at the table. "It's fine." JJ dismissed softly, feeling a sickening feeling rise within her, unrelated to her medication. "I've got to get the rest of the files for the briefing." She dismissed, needing any excuse she could think of to get out of the room with her colleagues' sympathy overpowering her.

* * *

"Wheels up in twenty." Hotch informed the group as each member closed the files. He noticed an odd look pass from JJ to Rossi before the older man spoke up.

"Hotch? JJ's going to run the media from here." His trusted friend informed him, and Hotch couldn't help but feel slightly enraged that JJ had told Dave personal inforamtion that she hadn't felt comfortable going to him with.

He fought to maintain his mask of stoicism. "When was I going to be made aware of this?" He asked, quirking an eyebrow and not bothering to hide the raw fury in his eyes.

"Hotch, I'm sorry." JJ interrupted, knowing the slight sense of betrayal that Hotch was feeling and wanting to dilute his anger, "It's just that I've--um," She cut herself off, realizing that he would grow concerned if she admitted her own appointment so soon after surgery, "_Henry's_--got a doctor's appointment and Will's going on a date and, I was going to tell you earlier but Rossi was standing there when I made the appointment and--"

"It's fine JJ." Hotch sighed, knowing exactly what it felt like to be a single parent. His anger dissolved as he inspected JJ's tired appearance. "But I'll need you to be ready to conference with the team at anytime."

"Sure." JJ smiled brightly as the others left the conference room, feeling a sickening feeling that this was only the beginning of the new limitations she would be forced to live under. But limitations were better than nothing, and while the rest of the team was gone, she was going to have an in depth talk with her doctor to determine _exactly_ what she would be able to do.

And then she was going to have to tell Hotch.

* * *

_"Every man dies-Not every man really lives."_

_-William Ross Wallace_


	6. Chapter 6

**_AN/ So I was astounded by the great reviews for the last chapter. Thank you so much for your support, and I hope you keep liking the story. As always, if there is an "item" that you would like to add to "the list" let me know and I'll try and make a chapter of it._**

**_

* * *

_**

_"Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all." _

_-Helen Keller_

* * *

JJ sighed as she exited the Director's office. That had been one of the hardest meetings she had ever been in, and the sickening realization was--this was all going to get a lot harder.

Because she couldn't hide herself in the sand anymore.

The Director had been more than kind--insisting there were ways she could continue in whatever capacity with the Bureau that her illness would allow. As much as she had wanted to keep her illness a secret, it was going to come out soon anyway. After everything Hotch had done for her in the past, he deserved to know before office gossip reached his ears. Though as she thought about it, she wasn't sure who would be telling Hotch office gossip other than herself, or maybe Dave...but that wasn't important. What _was_ important was that she was going to meet with Hotch the moment the plane landed from Michigan.

"Jayje!" Garcia cried, catching up with her and joining JJ on her walk down the hall back to the BAU offices. "How was your meeting?"

She shrugged, knowing she needed to talk to Hotch--but knowing didn't make it easier.

Kicking herself mentally, Penelope knew JJ needed a distraction. At least until the rest of the team got back. "I was just looking over _the list_." She whispered the last two words as if it was a national security secret, "I think I have some more things we've got to do."

"Like what?" JJ asked, unable to keep a grin from gracing her lips as she remembered her last forray with her friends. She was now beyond the point where she would question whether they should add to the list or not. With Garcia, it had become a slight obsession--adding to the list things that she had never thought of, and in all actuality, it made every moment all the more exciting.

"White water rafting." Garcia nodded excitedly. "Sounds incredible, right? Oh! And, what about driving a race car? Kevin's got this friend--"

Holding up a hand to stop Garcia's exhuberant explanation, JJ laughed lightly. "Yeah, why not? Lets add them both to the list."

Penelope squealed happily. "I know Emily wanted to go with you to look at some fancy painting thing too."

"Why is everyone adding to _my_ list?" JJ scoffed lightheartedly. Truthfully, she relished the time that she got to spend with the team outside of the office, and though six months ago she would have thought it impossible, she had grown closer to the rag-tag collection of agents than she had ever imagined.

Garcia shrugged. "Probably because its an excuse for the rest of us to get to do all of the cool stuff we've always wanted to." Her light-hearted, truthful answer left little room for debate.

"Well, if I can help someone--that's what I'm here for." JJ scoffed as she ran a through her hair. Disgusted, she looked at the thick clump of hair that had been shed easily and was now entangled in her fingers.

Penelope looked at her friend in horror. "Oh Muffin." Her eyes welled up involuntarily as JJ sighed and pushed down the lump in her throat.

"It's okay Penelope. They told me this would happen." JJ assured her friend despite the pang of sorrow she felt well up inside of her. Luckily, she was saved from having to explain further when the elevator door opened to reveal the team coming back from the case.

"They told you what would happen?" Reid asked, exiting the elevator with the others in tow.

Ignoring him, she turned to Hotch. "Can you still meet with me now?" She asked, hoping to get this over with as quickly as possible.

"Of course JJ." He smirked softly and JJ felt an unusual pang of regret at the idea of the news she was about to break to him. Hotch had always seemed to have a protective instinct when it came to her, and she groaned with the realization that he would be one of the last to know. She didn't mean for it to be like that, but she couldn't change what was. All she could do now was be proactive in her decisions.

Because if she had learned anything, it was that time was definitely _not_ on her side.

* * *

"How can I help you JJ?" The sincere look in Hotch's eyes was enough to send a lesser woman into a fit of tears. Fortunately, JJ was _not_ a lesser woman.

"I need to be taken out of the field on modified assignment." The words spewed out of her mouth quickly, as if by speaking them quickly she could get the foul taste of the words out of her mouth.

"I don't understand." Hotch questioned as he looked over the formal request in front of him. "Has something changed?"

She swallowed a lump in her throat and fought to keep her face impassive. Unable to control the hitch that she knew would appear in her voice, she merely nodded.

"JJ, whatever this is, I can help." Hotch smiled sympathetically. "I think it goes without saying that you are a terrific agent, but I consider you a close friend. What's going on?"

She paused for a moment, trying to collect her thoughtsw. "I'm sick." She murmured slightly and he had to strain to even make out the words.

"I'm sorry, what was that?" He asked, hoping that she would elaborate.

"I'm sick." She replied, this time with more conviction behind the words.

"Well if you need to take a couple of days off--"

"Hotch, it's not like that. I have Stage III Breast Cancer," She felt the words spilling out of her mouth, but Hotch's dumbfounded expression did nothing to stop them so she just continued. "I spoke with the Director this morning. He told me I can stay on with the unit in a consulting capacity, but as I can't pass my yearly physical I have to be taken out of the field immediately. I know I should have told you earlier, but--"

"Cancer?" Hotch interrupted.

JJ nodded, "Cancer."

Hotch leaned back in his chair, the weight of the situation hitting him with full force. In many ways, he was closer to JJ than he was his own family, but cancer? He had watched his own father deteriorate due to lung cancer, and despite the hard feelings he had towards his father, he wouldn't wish that fate on his worst enemy. Let alone _JJ._

"Who else knows?" He questioned.

JJ sighed, wanting to spare his feelings, but hoping that he would understand. "Most of the team and the Director. Will. My doctor. That's about it." She shrugged.

"So I'm the last to know?" The question came out before he had time to stop it.

"Not the last, just not the first." She corrected. "Garcia found out on her own, Derek, Emily, and Dave all know but just because it just kind of came out."

He nodded, quietly absorbing the information.

"I wanted to tell you earlier," She looked at him squarely, her eyes pleading with him to understand. "I just needed to figure this out for myself. I needed to know what my next step was before I made anything official."

Hotch nodded and bit back a pang of jealousy that JJ hadn't come to him first. He would have protected her like any other member of the team, but as he inspected her closely, his jealousy was washed away at the sight of her. He kicked himself for not noticing sooner that something was wrong--the haunted look in her eyes should have been a dead give away, and yet he had missed it. Though it killed him to admit it, he could see where she was coming from.

"What do you need from me?" He asked abruptly.

Now it was JJ's turn to look shocked. "From you?" She sputtered, completly unexpecting his quick volunteered assistance.

"How can I make this easier for you? JJ, you're like family to me. If there's anything I can do," He looked at her pointedly, hoping that she wouldn't mistake his words for some shallow condolance, "_anything_, you let me know."

"Thanks." She didn't bother to hide the tears in her eyes at his offer.

"Do you want to talk about it?" He asked gently, noticing her uncharacteristic loss for words.

She shook her head. "Maybe later. For now, I need to go talk to someone else before this all gets out."

Hotch quirked an eyebrow, curious as to who was left that JJ needed to inform of her current hardship.

JJ sighed and replied to Hotch's unvoiced question. "Reid. I've got to go tell Reid."

* * *

Walking out of Hotch's office, JJ sighed resignedly as she saw Reid at his desk, intently focused on the paperwork in front of him. She could feel Emily's eyes following her from Hotch's office, but she refused to match the concerned gaze. JJ was on a mission, and she couldn't be side-tracked until it was complete.

There was a reason she hadn't told him yet. They had long ago discussed his family and the trials he had encountered growing up. JJ could recall with heart-breaking clarity the lost look in Reid's eyes as he admitted, _"Everyone who I've ever cared about has always left."_

And now she was about to confirm the very real possibility that man she loved like a brother could very well have to step up to his Godfather duties far earlier than she had ever imagined.

* * *

_"The indispensable first step to getting what you want out of life is to decide what you want." _

_-Stein_


	7. Chapter 7

**_AN/ The last chapter was a little depressing, and this one was kind of hard to write. Thank you so much for your support, and I hope you keep liking the story. As always, if there is an "item" that you would like to add to "the list" let me know and I'll try and make a chapter of it. This chapter is dedicated to foxyfeline who helped make the chapter far better. Thanks!_**

**_Bonus points for anyone who can name the NASCAR driver Reid refers to._**

**_

* * *

_**

_"Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive." _

_-Howard Thurman_

* * *

"Hey, Spence. Can I have your help with something?" She cringed, mentally unprepared for the scene that she knew would be the hardest.

"Of course JJ." Reid's bright smile brought a pang to her chest. In another life she could easily see herself falling in love with his dark, chocolate colored eyes. "What do you need?"

"Um..." She hesitated, nodding briefly at the questioning looks she was recieving from both Derek and Emily. "Can we talk in my office?"

Reid's eyes clouded momentarilly as he studied quickly JJ's behavior. She was obviously upset, and whatever she had to tell him made her worried. "Sure." He smiled, despite the pit that formed in his stomach. _Could something be wrong with Henry?_ Forcing himself to remain calm, he reminded himself that whatever the problem, JJ likely needed his support more than anything else.

He followed her down the hall to her office, the light cacaphony of her heels matching the thoughts of worry that assaulted his brilliant mind. "Jayje, what's going on?" He asked pointedly as she shut the door.

"Spence, I--" She sighed in an attempt to control her emotions. "We need to talk."

"Okay." He said softly, doing all he could to make whatever her revelation as easy as he could. "Whatever it is JJ, you can tell me." He insisted comfortingly.

"I'm being pulled from field work." The words bubbled out of her before she could stop them, on some level she was grateful for the sudden run of her mouth because she was completely unsure of really how to explain what was happening. "With the Chemo treatment, there are some things I just can't do anymore, and--"

"Chemo?" He stopped her immediately, his eyes widening at the split second realization. "No." He recoiled, the implications hitting him straight on.

"Yeah." It didn't matter how many times she went through this, each time she was left feeling utterly inarticulate and unable to come up with any clever or witty response to lighten the mood. They sat in silence for over a minute as she watched the gears in his mind turn at lightning speed. "Chemo." She reiterated.

"No. This isn't happening, you're fine." He shook his head quickly as if trying to wake himself from some horrible nightmare.

She smiled sadly at his insistance. She had gone through the same feelings weeks before, but she had already come to terms with what was happening inside her body. "Spence--" She racked her mind to think of anything she could say. "I--"

"No. People beat cancer all the time. You're just fine." She knew that he was trying to convince himself more than her, and once again she was hit with the irony of comforting her friends once they heard the news.

"I'm not just fine." She admitted frankly. "But Spence, it's going to be okay."

"Okay?" His voice hitched. "How can it be okay? You could _die." _

"I could." She agreed. "You of all people know the odds of beating Stage III breast cancer. But I'm taking my meds and the doctors are confident--"

He blew out his breath in disgust. "Why you?"

"I don't know." She shrugged. After a moment, she added, "But Spence, really. It's all going to be okay. No matter what happens--"

"No." He interrupted, "How can you say it's all okay?" He gulped.

JJ sighed, this was far harder than she had anticipated, "Because I don't have to waste my time anymore. I can really live. Do you know that I went bungee jumping for the first time? There's nothing holding me back from doing what I've always wanted to. For the first time, I don't have to worry about what is dangerous. Spence, I'm going to be fine. And even if I'm not, then I don't want to live my life with any regrets. Hell, I even got my belly button pierced." She laughed at the memory.

"What's so funny?" He asked, slightly taken aback by her sudden bout of levity.

"You'll have to ask Derek." She insisted smirking.

He paused for a moment, considering her argument. He could tell the mere mention of her previous activities brought a joy to her that he hadn't seen, but he was still plagued with one question. "Why didn't you tell me earlier?" He asked in a small voice.

She cringed involuntarily. "I'm sorry. I just wasn't sure how. I--" She fell silent, the excuse sounding lame even to her own ears.

Spencer sat back in shock as his mind raced through the studies and statistics that he had read, each number assaulting his mind with mockery. But for this moment, Spencer was hit by a feeling that was altogether new for him.

Understanding.

All throughout his formative years, he had attempted to describe the world around him through facts and scientific explanations. Right now, however, he felt an unexpected flash of insight. Suddenly, he realized that JJ was waiting for him to respond.

For just a moment, his own grief at the prospect of losing one of his first friends on the team was swept away. Despite all of the evidence to the contrary, even he could see JJ's desperate need for hope. He had known her for years, and despite his best efforts to avoid profiling his friend, he probably knew her better than anyone else.

And he'd be damned if he took that from her. Because despite the brave face she was putting on, he was sure that she was scared to death.

"JJ, people beat cancer all the time." Though the words were the same, this time his tone had changed. The finality and firmness of his voice even surprised himself. Deep down, he had always loved JJ. Whether as a sister or something more, he wasn't sure, but one thing was for certain, he wasn't going to let her worry over something she had no control over.

"Really?" She asked, and Reid could easily detect the light hitch in her voice. Reid couldn't help but feel the irony in the reversal of their roles in only a few short minutes.

"Yeah. Really." He said seriously. There were radical new treatments that offered far better odds than ever before. It wasn't technically a lie, and for the first time in Spencer Reid's 28 years, the hopeful outlook was more comforting than any statistic.

He could see the relief wash over her as she scoffed slightly. "I knew I kept you around for a reason." She smiled brightly.

In that moment, Spencer was certain that everything was going to be okay. "So what's the next item on the list?"

"Well," She admitted with a grin. I have always wanted to drive a race car."

Reid couldn't help the joy that welled inside him at the prospect of helping JJ achieve her wildest dreams. "Consider it done."

* * *

"You've got to be kidding me." Derek groaned as they entered Bristol Speedway, "There's no way we're really going to do this."

"I do believe you're wrong my pet." Garcia chortled. "I think we are _totally_ going to do this."

"So where is this guy?" Emily asked warily. It wasn't that she didn't enjoy spending time with the team on these 'excursions', but a six hour drive just to drive cars seemed a little ridiculous.

"He couldn't make it today, that's why JJ and Reid came down yesterday to pick up the keys." Hotch reminded them, silently grateful that he was invited to come along for this activity.

"So, Reid knows a driver?" Rossi turned to ask him, grateful for the chance to walk around and stretch his legs.

Hotch shrugged, "Apparently. He said he went to school with some driver's older brother."

"Did he say who?" Penelope asked the other men excitedly, if there was a sport she could appreciate, it was NASCAR.

"Must be a driver with connections to get the speedway to let us use the cars." Emily surmised.

"No, and I'm not going to tell you." Reid smiled, coming up from behind the others. His eyes danced with excitement, "suffice it to say that he's famous enough to get us the stadium for the day."

"I can't believe I got to meet--" JJ's grinned happily but trailed off after seeing Reid's glare. "A _very_ famous NASCAR driver."

"Aw, come on kid, just tell us." Rossi groaned, uncharacteristically enthused about the possibility of meeting a professional driver.

"Yeah Genius Boy, we wanna know." Garcia pressed,

"Well I'm not going to tell you." Spencer retorted mischieviously as they made their way down to the cars. "Maybe I'll take you to meet him sometime, but a guy's got to have some secrets."

"Not from me." Penelope pouted good naturedly. Truth be told, she could easily find Reid's connection, but it was more fun to pester the boy genius.

"I still don't like this." Emily grumbled protectively, joining the others. "I don't think it's very safe."

"I agree." Derek insisted. "I mean, we've all seen the way JJ drives--"

"What's wrong with the way I drive?" JJ interrupted, feigning offense. Emily and Morgan fell silent. JJ's excitment was infectious, and though they were still concerned, they each decided to remain quiet.

If anyone deserved this moment, it was JJ.

As JJ climbed into the car with her helmet securely fastened, Reid was reminded of his earlier conversation with the blonde. Turning to Derek, he asked innocently, "Why would JJ tell me to ask you about her piercing?"

Garcia and Emily shared a knowing smirk as JJ started the car. The blood that rushed to Morgan's cheeks did not go unnoticed by the seasoned profilers. "I swear JJ, I'll get even with you." He ground out.

"In your dreams." She laughed, flooring the gas sending the car shooting forward. The rush that overcame her could only be bested by the sight of leaving her friends in the dust. She grinned, this was even better than she could have imagined.

* * *

_"The doors we open and close each day decide the lives we live." _

_-Flora Whittemore_


	8. Chapter 8

**_AN/Thank you so much for your support, and I hope you keep liking the story. I am fully aware that many of the original readers are no longer following this story, but I can't stand to leave it unfinished._**

* * *

_"The greater the obstacle, the more glory in overcoming it."_

_-Moliere_

* * *

Some days, JJ had decided that this entire thing was manageable.

Cancer. Chemo. Doctor's Appointments. Nausea.

It had become her life, and it _almost_ seemed like something she could deal with.

Not that she would wish chemo on her worst enemy, but some days she almost thought she could handle it.

Today was not one of those days.

Sighing, she sat back and wiped her mouth with the back of her hand as she rested against the cool porcelain of the bathtub.

Other days-most days-this was just far too unfair.

Today, well today was _definitely_ one of these days.

Running her hand through her hair, she grimaced as a chunk of the blonde strands remained in her hand.

This just wasn't fair.

"Jayje?" She could hear her front door shut, and it didn't take a genius to hear the worry in Penelope's voice. "Jayje? Where are you?"

Groaning, she didn't even bother to move from the cool promises of her bathroom. "Up here." She called her voice thick from her earlier rendezvous with the porcelain god, hoping that Garcia heard her and she wouldn't have to try again.

She wasn't sure she'd have the energy to answer louder, even if she tried.

Thankfully, Penelope must have either heard her or deduced her location because JJ soon saw the form of her friend standing in the doorway. "Everything okay?" She asked gently.

JJ simply groaned in response.

Everything was so far from okay, it wasn't funny.

She shrugged, unable to really do anything else as she collapsed against the porcelain.

Penelope chewed on her lip in an attempt to keep herself from crying. This just seemed so unfair. JJ, beautiful wonderful JJ who was kinder than any person Garcia had ever met, was wilting before her eyes.

And there was nothing she could do to stop it.

Looking down at the bathroom floor, Penelope grimaced as she saw the thick clumps of blonde hair that littered the floor.

"Come on, Jayje," She sighed as she helped her weary friend to her feet. "You need to take a nap, and then Emily and I are going to take you shopping for a scarf!"

"A scarf?" JJ asked, closing her eyes as she tried to force her stomach not to rebel against her. After a moment, she was satisfied that she wouldn't be retching in the next few seconds and added, "Why a scarf?"

"Because," Penelope forced excitment into her voice as she helped JJ step laboriously to her bed. "Pretty soon, you get the Cancer-Survivor shaved head thing, and I can't let you down by letting you wear a scarf that is not _completely amazing."_

JJ smiled as she settled into bed. "Whatever you say, Pen." She mumbled, "but only for maybe an hour."

* * *

Fighting the tiredness that seemed to be her constant companion, she focused on the task at hand. Looking at the vast array of materials in front of her, she forced her eyes to focus on one fabric in particular.

JJ held up the scarf in front of her, hoping that it satisfied whatever complex requirements Penelope had formulated, "What about this one?" She asked, raising her eyebrows hopefully.

"Jayje, if you're going to go all the way, you've got to rock the Cancer-Survivor look. It can't just be _any_ scarf." Garcia scolded.

"Yeah JJ, I can't believe you'd even question her." Emily laughed sarcastically.

"_Seriously."_ Penelope agreed, completely oblivious to Emily's mockery. "You of all people should know of my omniscience."

"Sorry." JJ smirked, placing the silky scarf back on the display before grabbing another one. "What about this one?"

Garcia leveled a look that would have scolded even the naughtiest of children. "You honestly think I'm going to let you out wearing _that?_" Penelope shuddered in disgust. "It's hideous!"

"It's not that bad." JJ shrugged defensively as she gazed over the fabric. "I mean, it's got orange." She offered lamely.

Penelope's face fell as she muttered, "You've got to be kidding me." She looked to Emily for support, "Tell me you have better fashion sense than blondie over here?" She asked seriously.

Emily gulped, only moderately nervous at Penelope's intense glare, "This one?"

"That's it." Garcia ground out angrily. "Both of you, out of this store. I'll find one myself. Meet me at the food court in an hour."

"An hour?" JJ groaned, already exhausted from her forced outing. "I-"

"Say nothing more." Garcia waved her excuse away, inwardly kicking herself for not being aware of JJ's rapidly diminished stamina. "Go back to JJ's and I'll bring you my masterpiece when I'm done."

"Thanks Pen." JJ sighed, grateful not to spend the rest of her already zapped energy at the mall.

"No worries Buttercup." Penelope smiled happily as she shooed the other women out of the store, "Now let me work my magic!"

* * *

"How are you handling all of this JJ?" Emily asked gently as they entered JJ's home and JJ quickly plopped down on her couch. "I mean, if you don't want to talk about it, I understand but..."

"Honestly?" JJ asked meekly, "I don't really get a chance to talk to anybody about this."

"I'm a good listener." Emily offered.

JJ sighed, hesitating to unload her true feelings on her friend, "I don't know..."

"JJ, be frank, just tell me. If you don't want to, you don't have to, but I'm here to listen."

"Honestly? I'm terrified to die." JJ let slip the fear that plagued her at night.

Emily nodded, keeping her mouth closed despite her first instinct to reassure JJ it wasn't going to happen.

JJ waited for some outburst from Emily, some vehement insistance that it wasn't possible she could go the way of the earth. When she was sure Emily wasn't going to interrupt she continued, "I mean, what if Henry has to grow up without a mother? Will he know who I am? What will Will tell him about me?" She let the last question hang in the air, uncertain that she really wanted to know the answers.

"Jayje, I don't want to step in here and tell you what to do or how to feel. It's okay to feel the way you're feeling. But the 'what-if' game doesn't do any good. 'What-if' I got hit by a car tomorrow?" Emily pointed out, "It's all relative. But, as an answer that I'm sure you'll realize is true, none of us would let Henry forget you."

JJ nodded, struck by the truth of Emily's simple answer. "I guess I had never thought of it like that."

Emily sat silently, waiting for JJ to continue. Alarmed when JJ hadn't said anything else, Emily leaned forward, "Jayje? Are you okay?" Seeing JJ's head bob as she fell innto an easy sleep, Emily shook her head softly and picked up a blanket that was draped along the couch.

Placing the warm fabric over JJ, she smirked as she settled down into her own seat and picked up a book to wait for Garcia to return, hoping that in the meantime, JJ would be able to get some well deserved rest.

* * *

_"Success is to be measured not so much by the position one has reached in life...as by the obstacles which he has had to overcome while trying to succeed."_

_-Booker T Washington._


	9. Chapter 9

**_AN/Thank you so much for your support, and I hope you keep liking the story. I am fully aware that many of the original readers are no longer following this story, but I can't stand to leave it unfinished._**

**_And, thank you to reviewers who prod me to continue this story. I really do listen. The hardest thing with this story is to come up with more items for 'The List' so if you think of any, let me know :)_**

* * *

_"I have had dreams and I have had nightmares. I overcame the nightmares because of the dreams."_

_-Anon_

* * *

Knocking on the door softly three hours later, Penelope batted a stray lock of hair out of her eyes.

Sometimes genius took time.

Emily answered the door, wordlessly gesturing for Garcia to enter.

"How is she?" Garcia asked softly, hoping that JJ hadn't fallen asleep on the couch.

Emily nodded towards JJ's sleeping frame and ushered Penelope toward JJ's TV room a fair distance away from where JJ was now asleep. "She'll probably feel better once she wakes up." Emily shrugged following Garcia toward JJ's giant sectional that took up a majority of JJ's TV room.

Penelope shook her head sadly as she descended the small flight of stairs and plopped down on JJ's couch, "Probably not. She usually wakes up just as tired as she did before she fell asleep. It's the drugs she's on, the medicine makes her tired."

Emily fell silent for a second, her heart breaking for her sick friend. Noticing the way Garcia's shoulders slumped as if she herself weere carrying an enormous load, she narrowed her eyes in concern, "How are you holding up?" Emily queried, picking up a throw pillow and resting it under her arm as she looked at her tired friend with concern. Though JJ was the one going through chemo, Garcia looked far too worn to provide a healthy support for their sick friend.

"Me? This isn't about me!" Garcia sputtered in surprise. "This is about JJ."

"True." Emily observed, suddenly gaining a flash of insight into her friend, "But JJ also isn't the one who is estranged from her brothers. JJ isn't the one who lost her parents at 18. JJ-"

"Has cancer." Garcia finished for her, interrupting Emily's observation. "and I can be there for her. I can make it better."

"Penelope..." Emily sighed, realizing her observation was more well-placed than she had previously thought.

"And the list...I can give her hope...She's going to be okay." Garcia brushed Emily's concern away as she picked up the piece of paper that was neatly folded in her purse. "This is the key."

"Garcia," Emily sighed. "You have to accept that things might not be okay."

"I don't have to accept anything!" Penelope huffed, looking to her friend in complete surprise. "Everything is going to be fine. I can't believe you'd say that!" Garcia shook her head in disgust. "How could everything not be okay?"

The question hung in the air thickly, the contradiction to Garcia's words embodied in the fact that the two women were seated in JJ's living room, waiting for the other woman to wake up while Henry spent the day at Will's apartment because JJ was just too damn tired to also care for her son.

Things weren't fine by a longshot.

After a moment, Emily let the issue drop, familiar enough with avoidance theories to recognize that Garcia wasn't about to suddenly change her outlook and acknowledge the severity of the situation.

"What's next on the list?" Emily asked, gesturing to the paper in Penelope's hands.

"Star Trek Movie Marathon." Penelope smiled as she read it. "What do you say, should we invite the guys over?"

"Invite the guys over for what?" JJ asked, leaning heavily against the railing as she descended the stairs. She wiped her hand over her eyes as if by doing so she could remove the dreary vestiges of sleep that seemed to plague her.

"The next item on the list!" Garcia chirped brightly. "If we get everybody over here now, we should be able to finish with the movies before midnight!"

"Really?" JJ asked, uncertain of whether she'd be able to make it to midnight. "I..."

"Don't worry about falling asleep during it." Penelope interrupted, "This is more for all the other members of the team to get together, if you'd feel up to it."

JJ flumped down onto her comfortable couch with a sigh, the very effort of walking from her front room zapping any reserved energy from her worn body. "Sure." She shrugged. "Will is bringing Henry home later tonight."

Penelope squealed as she threw her cell phone at Emily. "Call the troops, I'm making cookies!" She cried, jumping up from the couch and practically prancing around the corner to JJ's kitchen. "Wait! Jayje, seriously, you've got to look at this amazing scarf I found." She caught herself practically midair and returned to the items she had bought at the mall. "We can show off your new 'do' to everybody tonight." She grinned as she thrust the plastic sack into JJ's frail hands.

Emily chuckled as Garcia nearly danced with excitement. JJ shot Emily a knowing smirk as she emptied the contents onto her lap. She snorted as she looked at the bright bold colors that seemed far too flashy for the normally conservative blonde. "Wow." She smiled, fighting the chuckle that grew within her.

Fuchsia and gold slpotched cloth was not something she would have _ever_ picked.

But sometimes it felt good to laugh.

Garcia grinned broadly, misinterpreting JJ's jovial mood for approval of her selection. "After I make cookies, we can shave your head. Should I shave mine too?" Penelope's eyes widened as she contemplated the thought. "That would be _amazing!_I've always wanted to shave my head. Jayje! That would be...I'll do it with you. Em will do it too!"

"Wait a minute..." Emily spoke up, willing to call all of the rest of the team to show her support, but unwilling to part with her dark locks on a whim.

It wasn't that she didn't want to support JJ, but cutting off her hair? That was a major decision.

Not something that could be decided in the time it took to make chocolate chip cookies.

JJ laughed easily, if fuchsia and gold weren't enough to send her into a laughing fit, surely the look on Emily's face was.

"Only one person will be shaving her head this afternoon, that will be me." JJ affirmed authoritatively, somehow managing to force the giggles from undermining her firm stance.

Penelope glared at Emily with disgust. "Fine." She grumbled, maintaining eye contact with the brunette profiler.

* * *

"JJ, what's this?" Emily asked, looking over the original list with curiosity. While Garcia had added all of the profiler's additional items, plus translating from JJ's horrible teenaged handwriting, to the back of the original document, Emily still enjoyed trying to decipher each one of JJ's original bucket list items.

"Which one?" JJ asked, running her tongue over a large sore that was starting to form in her mouth as Garcia carefully cut the remnants of JJ's long gorgeous hair.

"Number 15. 'B&T Love'?" Emily asked, uncertain if she was reading that correctly as she passed the paper back over to JJ.

To her surprise, JJ blushed. "Yeah. 'Buses and Trains Love'." She explained as if that made more sense.

Seeing Emily's eyebrow quirk silently in confusion, JJ smirked, forcing away her embarassment. "It was from a song."

"'Buses and Trains'?" Garcia asked, snapping up from the task in front of her that had captivated her attention. "JJ, I _loved_ that song."

"I just...I wanted a love that felt like that." JJ admitted sheepishly, grateful that she wasn't at an actual barber's shop where she'd have to watch this transformation take place.

Losing your hair was hard enough without having to watch it happen.

"Well at least that's something we can cross off the list." Penelope sighed with a smile, picking up the shears and continuing her task.

"Wait, I still don't know what you are talking about." Emily interrupted.

"You know." JJ chuckled nervously, "I'm sure you've heard it before."

Emily snorted, "Grew up in Europe...so, probably not."

"I can't remember all of it," JJ hedged. Seeing Prentiss's expectant look, she sighed. "Fine. It talked about love and went something like, '_I walked under a bus, I got hit by a train, kept falling in love, which is kinda the same...I'm sunk out at sea, crashed my car, gone insane, but it felt so good, I wanna do it again'."_JJ sang the lyrics lightly, ignoring the blush she could feel creeping up her own cheeks. "I just always wanted a love like that."

"And with Will, you got that, right?" Garcia asked, grabbing the shaving cream. She bit her lip with just a moment's hesitation, forcing herself to focus on the positive.

JJ was going to look _awesome_ with a scarf.

JJ glanced down at the hair that littered the garbage bags that covered her dining room floor. Nodding slowly, she cringed as Penelope put the cool foam against her scalp.

This was really happening.

"You had 'Buses and Trains Love' with Will, right?" Penelope asked again. It was better to keep JJ focused on the positive.

"Sure." JJ said, though the hesitation in her voice told them both she was anything but honest with the statement.

"Are you kidding me?" Emily turned on her formerly blonde friend. She had seemed genuinely happy with Will, and though most healthy relationships failed to completely measure up to the romanticised version of love sung about by artists and depicted in the media, Emily had always thought JJ and Will were the real deal.

JJ bit her lip, uncomfortable with both the question and the fact that her best friend was removing the last shards of her hair—something that had always been the feature she loved most about herself.

It wasn't that she was so caught up in appearances that she couldn't handle being bald.

It was just that...it was hard.

Surgery that marred her chest, drugs that stole her long hair—this disease felt as if it had stolen everything that made her herself.

Everything that made her a woman.

And she hated it.

"I loved him." JJ explained, "It was just...different. It was...hard." Hearing the way the explanation sounded, she cringed, "Not like that, Will's an easy person to love, it was just hard for me to—to let myself go."

Emily watched as JJ furrowed her brow in careful self assessment. As she watched Garcia scrape away the remaining shaving cream, she shook her head.

This was just so unfair.

JJ should get the love she had dreamed of, and if anyone deserved a life full of contentment, it was Jennifer Jareau. And now, Emily Prentiss silently vowed, she would do anything to make certain JJ got the 'Buses and Trains Love' that she wanted.

Truth be told, she had just the candidate.

"There!" Garcia beamed, nabbing the bright colored scarf and wrapping it carefully along JJ's now gleaming scalp. "That looks fantastic!" She exclaimed, handing JJ a small mirror. "Check it out. Perfect."

JJ traced the line where the fabric met her brow. Is this what her life had come to? Forcing a smile on her face, she looked over to her friends who were watching her intently. "It looks great."

Only Emily seemed to see the devastation that JJ somehow managed to carefully bury beneath the surface of her emotions. "It does, doesn't it?" Garcia grinned brightly.

_Ding Dong._

The ringing of JJ's doorbell sounded, alerting the women that the party was about to start. JJ sighed, plastering on the happy face lest her friends detect her utter despair.

Tonight, when she was alone, she would mourn the loss of her femininity.

Now, it was time for movies.

* * *

"'Wrath of Khan', as you will see, is by far the best Star Trek movie to date." Reid explained as he stepped into JJ's TV room with a fresh plate of cookies. "If you..."

"Kid, nobody cares." Derek rolled his eyes, carefully watching JJ out of the corner of his eye for any sign of distress. Though he considered JJ like a sister, he would do anything to see her happy and make her smile again.

He felt a surge of knowing excitement as he saw Hotch too watching JJ closely.

Maybe something could develop between the two former colleagues.

Emily, sitting next to him on JJ's ginormous couch, nudged him slightly and nodded her approval. Catching her eye easily, he smirked. A plan was brewing, and he and Prentiss were definitely on the same page.

JJ heard a soft knock on the door before the front door opened, signalling the return of her son. "Mommy!" Henry cried barrelling toward her and crashing against her legs. JJ smiled and tried to fight the wince she was sure every one could see as Henry practically jumped all over her while babbling like the carefree toddler he was.

"Let me take him upstairs and put him to bed." Garcia insisted softly, scooping up the excited child who wriggled in her arms. "Whew, somebody's had a lot of sugar today." She mused.

"Candy! Candy! Candy!" Henry shouted, eliciting a chuckle from the profilers.

Will smiled at Henry's exhuberance, but cringed as he realized he had unintentionally made it harder for JJ to manage their son. "G'night Henry."

As Penelope wrestled Henry up the stairs to the second story, JJ struggled to stand up from the couch, determined to amicably usher her ex-boyfriend from her home.

"Will, do you want to join us? We're just about to start the 'Wrath of Khan'." Reid smiled warmly.

"Uh, that's ok." Will declined, holding out a hand to help JJ ascend the couple of stairs to the main floor. "I uh...I'm sorry about the candy." He apologized, hoping he hadn't crossed some boundary he wasn't aware of. The last thing he wanted to do was to make JJ's life harder, and he definitely should have thought of the repercussions of stuffing their son's mouth with candy and sugar from the fair. "I probably should have warned you first, or made sure we ran the sugar off before I brought him home. I should have..."

JJ waved her hand dismissively, "It's fine." She smiled awkwardly as they stepped back into the front room away from prying eyes. "You look good." She admitted genuinely.

"You too." He shifted uncomfortably, not really sure what he was supposed to say.

"Are you sure you don't want to come join us?" JJ smiled, blinking quickly to try to push the exhaustion away. "The more the merrier when it comes to Star Trek."

"You know from experience?" Will teased, laughing easily.

"At least that's what I've been told." JJ chuckled. "But really, you're welcome to stay unless—"

Will's smile faded quickly as he stumbled over his own words. "Oh, I'd love to, but...well—"

"If it's awkward, you don't have to." JJ quickly amended, cursing the fact that she would give Will even the slightest hint of reconciliation. "I mean..."

"No!" Will held up his hand quickly, cringing as he saw JJ's eyes cloud with doubt as she reached up to finger the scarf wrapped around her newly bald head, obviously self conscious. "It's just...I have a date."

"Oh." JJ blinked. "Good." She smiled a little too brightly to be believed.

Thankfully, Will didn't call her on her bluff. "It's just—you told me you want me to date other people..."

"I do!" JJ insisted. "I'm glad you're moving on. I'm glad you're happy."

Will bit his lip, fully aware of how awkward this really was. He could only imagine if the situation was reversed and JJ was the first to date. It wasn't that he held bad feelings against JJ. It was just hard to move on. "I'm going to go." He said, cursing his own lack of tact and inability to come up with an adequate alternative excuse.

"Have a good time." JJ said, only slightly feigning the sincerity in her voice.

"I will." Will grinned. "Let me know the next time you need me to take Henry off your hands."

"Sure." JJ smiled, gripping the door and closing it behind Will's retreating figure. JJ rested her head lightly against the frame of the door, wondering just exactly when her life had turned into such a mess.

"That was awkward." Hotch's deep voice startled her from her self-evaluation.

"I think that was the definition of awkward." JJ agreed as she turned around to face him. Taking in the coat draped along his arm and the keys in his hands, she smirked in surprise. "Leaving already?"

"Too much Star Trek for one night and I start to feel like Reid." Hotch chuckled.

"That's just because you've already seen all of them." JJ teased.

"I told you that in _confidence._" Hotch stepped back, feigning hurt. It was nice to see JJ able to tease other people like she used to—because lately, she just seemed as if a sliver of her former self.

And damn it if he didn't love her more for going through this struggle.

Fighting the emotions that seemed to grow within him, he shook his head.

Now was neither the time, nor the place.

"For what it's worth, I think you look beautiful." Hotch smirked, kissing JJ's cheek as he tossed his jacket over his shoulder. "But I'd better get home to Jack before Jessica adopts him." He winked, "Good night JJ."

"Good night Hotch." JJ smiled, opening and closing the door behind him. Her fingers gingerly touched the still tingling spot where his lips had touched her cheek, innocently restoring her self confidence in a single gesture.

Sometimes she wondered if it were possible to love a man more.

* * *

_"In prosperity, our friends know us; in adversity, we know our friends."_

_-John Churton Collins_


	10. Chapter 10

**_AN/Thank you so much for your support, and I hope you keep liking the story. I am fully aware that many of the original readers are no longer following this story, but I can't stand to leave it unfinished. _****_And, thank you to reviewers who prod me to continue this story. I really do listen. The hardest thing with this story is to come up with more items for 'The List' so if you think of any, let me know._**

**_Additionally, I have an awesome new story that I'm really excited about, but I've decided to delay posting it until I've finished up all my CM stories. So, if you've been following this story religiously, that should offer you some hope :)_**

**_Ok, so I have to apologize for letting this one go for so long. Especially since I had awesome suggestions for this chapter and knew exactly where it should go. Sorry for the delay and I hope it was worth it._**

* * *

_"If you will call your troubles experiences, and remember that every experience develops some latent force within you, you will grow vigorous and happy, however adverse your circumstances may seem to be."_

_-John Heywood_

* * *

Penelope bounced on the balls of her feet as she stood in front of JJ's door, knocking once more as she forced herself not to worry. The likelihood that JJ was passed out on her kitchen floor was slim.

But she still worried.

JJ stumbled toward the door, blearily hoping that maybe the person behind the door would just be a figment of her imagination and she could just go back to sleep. Smiling at how different her life had become, she pulled the door open softly, slightly confused as she took in Penelope's impatient demenor. "Pen?" She asked confused. Normally Garcia didn't just drop by, she at least called. "Henry's with Will tonight, what's up?"

Garcia's face softened, knowing how frustrated JJ got when she forgot dates and information. The doctors called it 'Chemo Brain', but to JJ who had always been able to juggle multiple priorities with ease, it was like cutting off one of her arms. "We're all going out. Remember?" She prodded gently.

JJ bit her lip, confused as she beckoned Garcia inside. "No, I thought that was for Friday."

"Today _is_ Friday Jayje." Penelope reminded easily, not wanting to point out yet another thing that seemed to have slipped JJ's mind.

Staring at her calendar with post-it's and detailed notes, JJ looked up in surprise. "It is Friday. Wow. Okay, um give me a minute and I'll be ready." She sighed as she rubbed her eyes with frustration. "What time are we meeting everyone?"

"Seven." Garcia smiled easily as she sat down on the couch, torn between feeling relieved that she had decided to pick JJ up half an hour early and reluctant to make JJ leave her house when she was already so tired. Thinking back to the events of the past six weeks, she sighed gaining new courage.

It had been almost a week since their last activity, and she knew that between treatments and appointments JJ hadn't left the house since then. Not only could JJ use the fresh air, she needed to know the rest of them supported her.

And it was Penelope Garcia's mission to prove that the small enjoyments of life were worth fighting for.

* * *

The stars literally peppered the dark night sky, the windows of the heavens shining down on the rag-tag group of friends.

"I still say this is a bad idea." Derek grumbled, fighting the urge to pick up his frail friend and carry her kicking and screaming back to somewhere safe.

Somewhere _not_ completely germ infested.

He tried to force away the images of the small micro-organisms floating around in the water as he averted his eyes while the girls disrobed.

"Skinny dipping?" Emily hiss as she slipped into the warm bubbling hot spring on Rossi's property. "What are we, twelve?"

Seeing the glare Garcia levelled at her, she fell silent, regretting her statement instantly when JJ spoke up. "I was always the good kid, so skinny dipping? My dad would have had a heart attack."

"I think Mr. 'I'm a hot-shot profiler' over there is going to have his own coronary." Garcia laughed as she settled into the water. "Alright guys, we're ready for you. You too Mr. Stick-in-the-Mud Morgan."

"Did you know that a poll in 2006 suggested that only a quarter of Americans had been skinny dipping?" Reid asked, turning along with the others to the hot spring in order to give the women a little privacy. "But three-quarters of Americans thought nothing was wrong with skinny dipping in certain places."

"Alright ladies, avert your eyes." Rossi commanded with a faux seriousness. "You'd hate to catch us indisposed."

"In your case, Dave, it's nothing that the rest of the bureau hasn't seen." Emily retorted, her hand firmly over her eyes lest she give the others even the hint that she had peeked. That was the _last_ thing she needed.

"No peeking Prentiss." Dave teased in a sing-song voice, aware that the profiler was doing everything in her power to prove her modesty.

"Shut up." Emily grumbled, well aware that she was being mocked. Feeling JJ giggle slightly beside her lessened her annoyance immensely.

The men settled into the warm water, lining the other side of the good-sized natural hot-spring. "So if only a quarter of American's have been skinny dipping, who else is doing this an experienced swimmer in the buff?" Garcia asked, smiling devilishly.

Not-so-surprisingly, Rossi and Emily's hands shot up almost instantly as they smirked at one another, followed by Reid's tentative hand. The boy genius flushed nervously as the other's gaped at him in surprise, but it was Hotch's rising hand that sent all of them into hysterics.

"Hotch?" Dave sputtered. "Seriously?"

"I don't know why you are all surprised." Hotch deadpanned. "I was a teenager once."

"Wait, Reid's done something _Derek Morgan_ hasn't done?" JJ snorted, pointing out the even more delightful revelation.

"I grew up in _Chicago_." Morgan stressed. "It's _cold_ there."

JJ yawned, wondering not for the first time how _sitting_ managed to zap every reserve of strength she possessed. Looking around, she noticed that despite the dark night, the bright stars had provided more than enough light for the others to see her weariness and now all the others stared at her in concern. "I'm fine." She insisted, yawning once more.

Despite her colleagues's disbelief, they mercifully dropped the subject.

For nearly twenty wonderful minutes, the friends and colleagues laughed. At one point, Derek and Garcia got into a battle of wits, pushing the envelope as they always did, splashing one another when the sexual tension got slightly too heated.

For twenty minutes, everything felt normal.

"Okay everybody, swim over here and let me show you this." Dave gestured to a spot in the corner of the spring where the outlook was phenomenal. In that spot, the spring had a clear view of the valley and the lake below, making the stars double in a magestic display of natural beauty.

Some things just couldn't be described.

The hot spring was just deep enough to require all to swim the short distance to that corner, no more than ten feet from where they all sat protected by the large trees that surrounded most of the spring.

"Jayje?" Hotch was the first to notice that the person of honor at these activities had made no movement to follow the rest of them. "Everything okay?"

"I'm fine." She smiled tiredly "You guys check it out, I'm fine right here."

All of them understood the meaning underlying the words. _I just can't do it, but I don't want any of you to miss out. _The subtext felt so foreign, yet familiar. For JJ to look out for their interests before her own was so natural it was barely noticable anymore. But for JJ to admit defeat or weaknesses was something none of them were used to.

Not wanting to leave JJ behind, the others hid their worry. "You know, I'm starting to get sick of this cesspool of germs." Garcia splashed at Derek playfully. "I think I'm good."

"Guys, I'm fine. I don't need a babysitter." JJ rolled her eyes, touched by their loyalty but also well aware of her own limitations. "Go check out Dave's magical surprise."

Hotch shook his head, changing directions as he swam toward the former blonde. "I've seen stars before, let me sit with you."

Again, all of them understood the subtext. But this time, none of them had to bother hiding the gleeful smile as a simple sweet relationship was budding before their eyes as they swam away to give the two their privacy.

"You really didn't have to stay with me." JJ reminded him, staring up at the mass amount of stars that gleamed down at them in the moonlight.

"I know." Hotch smiled, maintaining a safe distance lest JJ feel like he was trying to pressure her. "But I wanted to."

JJ felt a blush rise to her cheeks, and bit her lip, avoiding looking at her former boss as she pointed up at the stars. "That one is Virgo." She announced.

He chuckled and his hand came up slowly to grab her wrist, moving her arm about two feet toward him to point at an entirely different place in the sky. "_That_," He smirked, "is Virgo."

She snorted, and they both laughed easily. "I thought I could fool you."

"I am an eagle scout." He sat up straighter, still somewhat proud of the long-ago accomplishment.

"You are a lot of things." JJ murmured, catching his eye. She was in no place in her life to give heed to the burning desire that swelled within her. But for now, it was nice to know that Hotch was there.

When he saw her yawn again, Hotch's concern grew. "Alright, I think I'm done for the night."

The others apparently caught the hint, as Derek immediately jumped out of the spring with nothing but an impish smile as he glanced back at Penelope giving her a perfect view of his dimly lit behind. Garcia cackled appreciatively and the others made their various exoduses.

Hotch, not wanting to catch a glimpse of JJ indisposed, caught Emily's eye and waited for the other profiler to join the pair.

"How were the stars?" JJ asked her approaching friend.

"Amazing." Emily replied honestly, not having it in her to lie to her friend. "We'll have to come back sometime so you can see it."

"Ladies." Hotch smiled, "If you will please avert your eyes so I can get out of the pool, I'd appreciate it."

"Ah, Hotch," JJ laughed as she covered her eyes, "Ever the gentleman."

"He even said please." Emily snorted, covering her own eyes as she had absolutely _no_ desire to catch even the briefest glimpse of Hotch less than fully clothed.

Hotch smiled as he slipped out of the spring leaving JJ and Emily alone. "I don't think that's any way to talk to the man who left your clothes and a towel by the bank of the spring for you, do you?"

"Sorry." JJ and Emily both murmured with mock severity before bursting into a fit of giggles.

"Alright, you can look now." He called more distantly than before.

Emily quickly extracted herself, wrapping a towel around her body as she turned back to JJ who seemed completely unable to get out on her own.

"Here JJ, let me help you out." Emily offered her hand to pull JJ out of the spring. She winced as she caught sight of several scars fresh scars marring JJ's otherwise perfect body before realizing that JJ's near dead weight would make it impossible.

"Uh, Hotch?" She called, quickly rapping a towel around herself before her boss returned.

With one look at the situation, Hotch pulled off his own t-shirt and handed it to JJ. "Put that on and I'll lift you out."

JJ nodded, too tired to argue as she pulled the shirt over her head.

Emily watched Hotch's shirtless chisled body gleam in the moonlight as he pulled JJ out with relative ease, and felt her mind wander.

Emily wasn't vain, nor was she some silly woman who only found value in beauty or her own sexual appeal. But she wondered if she could handle a similar fate with the grace and hope that JJ seemed to possess. She wondered how JJ could be okay with allowing all of them even the smallest briefest glimpse at what had become her personal torment. And the question remained in Emily's mind, would she be strong enough to do that?

She didn't think so.

Suddenly, the awful scars that burned in Emily's mind no longer seemed to disfigure her friend's body. No, suddenly the images shifted, their meaning becoming far deeper.

Because those scars didn't make JJ a weak victim (despite the fact the blonde woman could barely stand from exhaustion).

Instead, she saw the scars and the small buldge under the skin above her right breast as something different. As marks of valor and bravery.

JJ wasn't afraid of her scars because they did not make her weak.

They made her strong.

* * *

_"Adversity is like a strong wind. It tears away from us all but the things that cannot be torn, so that we see ourselves as we really are."_

_-Arthur Golden_


End file.
